What little I understand of Death

I walked in my room today to a familiar site. My 22nd birthday was this past Sunday and today, only two days later I had a birthday card waiting for me on the desk in my room. I recognized my name and address centered on the envelope and out of the corner of my eye I did catch my maternal family's name, Binstock, but then i realized something missing. There in the corner of the pink envelope was only written Joe. I don't say this to belittle my grandfather in anyway, it is only because of how accustomed I had become to seeing my grandmother's name written next to it all of these years. Either Joe & Ida or Ida & Joe. Inside there was a card that looked as though it was for someone much younger than myself. On the front there was the image of a unicorn with butterflies surrounding it. It was a card that I would expect a grandfather to give his granddaughter at any age while a grandmother sees her as a young woman a grandfather will always see her as a little girl. There was a thoughtful note written inside only in a noticeably different script than that of my grandmothers which I was so used to.

I tried forcing my mind to process all of the changes and why everything was so unfamiliar in so many ways. I saw a picture of me with my grandparents laying on my desk that I had moved to a better view not so long ago. I saw my grandmother in the picture and had to remind myself that she was not that person anymore. I had to remind myself that her body was somewhere underground right now. I myself was surprised by this morbid image I painted of death. It seems like an obvious thought but it had never crossed my mind before. I feel as though I am a little old to still be misunderstanding death. I always knew that once someone is dead they aren't around anymore, and though this is a step further then most children have the capacity to understand I felt for a moment that it wasn't the whole truth. The truth was that my grandmother is still around and it is painful to know that exact plot where she is and where she is going to be forever. Everything is much more final when you think of it in terms of never changing.

I'm stopping myself now from thinking this way, only because I know my grandmother would not have approved of it, and being gone for only a little over a month now I know she would have wanted to think of her in a far more mystical sense. I don't think it would be fair to my grandmother or my grandfather for that matter. The grandfather who even after losing his wife made the time to send me a card so adorable that it made me laugh while crying. All in all I do think respecting the wishes of those you care and cared about is what is most important at a time like this.